My First Time

The first time I smoked alone changed me.  Sure, we smoked all the time in college but it was a social thing; you always passed the green to someone else.  Drinking or doing drugs alone always carried a stigma for me (yeah, I get the irony…).

I had graduated from college in January and moved to Chicago in February by selling my car for the first month’s rent and an extra two hundred bucks in my pocket.  February is a cold and grey month in Chicago.

As the job search became depressing, the third day to be exact, and the clouds covered the sun day in and day out, I didn’t feel like myself. I was down, insecure, and miserable.

My boyfriend often said, “You need to smoke a bowl.” He even bought my first glass bowl. The blue green swirls throughout the glass were beautiful. It was a proud moment but it took a while to break my self-inflicted stigma and try the ‘smoking alone’ thing.

On a rainy Friday night my ever-so-popular older roommate had another fabulous dinner party to attend to. She never invited me.

I had zero dollars, zero plans, and zero friends to do free things with.

The door shut behind my roommate and I began to cry.

I was lonely.

I was poor.

I didn’t have anything going for me.

I lived in Chicago, but couldn’t do anything.

I hadn’t seen the sun in a week.

It was time. I needed to break the cycle of feeling sorry for myself.

I retrieved the little bag with my brand new bowl and a nice green bud that was part of the gift. I curled up on the black armchair and looked out our second floor bay windows. Pedestrians scampered about in the drizzle.

The process of packing the bowl was therapeutic. I took my time and inspected the green bud as I broke it up.

As I lifted the colorful glass bowl, I lit the green and took a big inhalation. Being alone meant I had no distractions.  The flavor was more pronounced. I could actually feel the citrus and the earthy tones touch my taste buds before reaching my lungs.

I inhaled again and put the bowl down.

Two girls ran outside between the puddles. It reminded me of my friends and soon I had a grin from ear to ear.

I didn’t feel alone or poor anymore.

I wasn’t worrying about the job search.

I forgot about the absence of the sun.