Turning fifty doesn’t feel half as scary as it did a few months ago when I was really going through a shit storm. I worked so hard last year to have most everything blow up at the eleventh hour. I really didn’t have much to show for the year aside from a void in my retirement funds and deeper connections within the community. Thank God for the latter.
Looking back, I find it ironic that the very issue that took me to my lowest point last year is the same thing that has lifted me higher than I knew possible. None of this involves money.
One night in a Holiday Inn Express, after the longest day of meetings and driving a short eight hours to and from the farm in Humboldt I tried to make sense of my world. On most days, we wouldn’t have been exhausted. Going to the farm was like a trip to Disney for Summer and me. We were so proud to see our babies grow and we were even more proud of the women who were cultivating our cannabis.
Our cannabis… yeah, we worked hard, kissed a lot of frogs, and spent a lot of money to get to that point and the all-female team was the best.
Until it wasn’t.
One day I got a phone call that the woman, who I loved, let everyone on the farm go, turned the lights out, and left the grounds for good. We didn’t find out until ten days into the farm being unattended. She blamed another partner for her departure, but it was apparent she was in over her head when we saw the state of our plants.
So after this long day, it started to get to me. I wondered why the woman who left the farm didn’t just pick up the phone and tell me she was leaving. We had talked about her issues with the partner and I supported her in every way. But yet, there we sat with a farm in triage and huge losses on our hands for reasons I couldn’t figure out.
It was soon after that, Summer and I were starry eyed to help and support a female retreat. They asked for money and we kindly said we couldn’t do it. I had already bought tickets to go but we thought it would be fun to add a glitter bar to one of their events. We asked them if we could talk to the main sponsor to theme it around their brand. They wouldn’t connect us for some reason, but still asked us to provide the glitter bar.
We were so excited and I didn’t realize how much I needed this connection with women that weekend until I felt the opposite. Summer and I showed up early and waited to be told where to set up. We constructed our glitter bar and dolled up a seating area nearby with our backdrop, which was merely weed, not branded. We couldn’t wait for the ladies to show up. You see, our brand’s entire WHY for existing is to make women feel special and that is what we were there to do.
Until… I looked up and saw the terror on one of the retreat organizers face as she came toward me, “Can I talk to you?”
I literally felt as though I was in trouble. Which to be honest caught me way off guard coming from another woman at a women’s retreat. The terror came from something so small picture that I was offended. They were upset that the event management company put us near the door and they weren’t expecting us to be so… how shall I put this… extra.
Fast forward fifteen minutes later and I was in a dark alley with our 8’x8’ backdrop trying to take it down by myself while Summer furiously smiled and applied glitter to all the babes that showed up early. I was in tears and the backdrop had fallen when this angel service employee stopped to help me. I had my eye on her all weekend because I loved her hustle.
We missed dinner and the final speaker due to taking down our experience. We kept the glitter bar but I actually felt sad for the women I worked on that night because my smiles were fake and I was crying on the inside… actually I stepped away to cry with some of the women that attended on my recommendation. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
The next day nobody even spoke to us. Not an acknowledgement about the night before, not even a smile across the room.
I thought these professional women were my tribe. Granted I have done more than most of the speakers but I attend as a participant to support what these women are doing. I am not a self-promoter and allow people to think what they want about me unless they care enough to ask questions. They don’t know what I’ve accomplished and I don’t feel insecure enough to make them.
When Summer and I drove the almost three hour trip home we were numb. Coming off the heels of getting punched in the gut with the farm, I regretted being involved in the retreat I looked forward to for months.
So, to say the least I had some hard moments last year. And it was at that time that I opened up to this amazing sesh community in San Diego. I stepped away from my desk to attend other local female events. I even admitted my vulnerabilities to some of my pink sesh sisters and found that the support and love I received was so much stronger and deeper than any woman on a farm or at a retreat.
We can talk about professional accomplishments all day long, however, if you don’t have the kind of connection I’ve been feeling with my women warriors than you’re not living.
This journey continues for us and Pink Haze/Pink Sesh. We continue to hold our heads high and to serve where we feel our impact matters. We don’t worry about competition because we’d rather call them our friends and support their cause.
For all the ups and downs entrepreneurs go through, nobody is as lucky as we are to have such a supportive group of diverse women on our side rooting for us each step of the way.
Why do they root for us? Because, we are their biggest fans.